Why Die?

Allow me to share my story of freedom.
I compare this story to the theme of Psalm 18, which tells the story of the attack, the deliverance, and the victory.

The Attack
This isn’t the first times I have shared my experience with anxiety. Though time and time again I thought the last time was the last time, I know that this time is the last. I have spent a nice amount of time alone within the last few months, I have been under much stress with my job and with planning a wedding and a new life. These are all milestones in life, joyous occasions, but during this time I endured tremendous suffering. When I look back on the time I only remember being alone and isolated. I stopped going to rehearsal for corporate worship. I stopped the conversations with the people I used to always talk to at church. I was only coming and going, living this fast paced lifestyle.
I was allowing darkness to surround me. I was depressed and confused in basic thinking. I was engulfed by a spirit sucking the life out of me.

The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path. But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears. (‭Psalms‬ ‭18‬:‭4-6‬ NLT)

I needed help like never before. And I called out to God for help. I received a word and what I know was healing. But that wasn’t the end of the process.

The Deliverance
When I moved out of my parents home and all alone I experienced what I feel was a revealing of the darkness. When I would hear the verse, “everything done in the dark would come to the light” it was something that I wanted to avoid to keep my sin secret. I realized this is not what the point of the verse. While we are in darkness, we cannot SEE what is changing in us because there is no light. We cannot see the evil that has crept inside of us.

You light a lamp for me. The LORD, my God, lights up my darkness. (‭Psalms‬ ‭18‬:‭28‬ NLT)

After I received prayer, after I felt freedom of deliverance, I found a gun.
I found something that could bring action to the thoughts that I never acknowledged that the enemy brought to mind. After I walked away from it, I thought I could hear the metal talk to me. That even though I proclaimed freedom, What if I fell back to my anxious ways? What if it wasn’t my mind but a cardiac problem? Satan wanted me gone. And in my embarrassment, and in my shame and I knew I had to go to the person closest to me and reveal my pain. And tell him, please remove this weapon, because I have had these thoughts. It was the most humiliating thing I ever had to do. I cried and cried and he held me and prayed as I really experienced the freedom. Those walls came down! Because I admitted my pain to another I was no longer left to rot in my own thoughts. Freedom came with the reveal! What was brewed in the darkness was brought to light for my own freedom!

The Victory
I did not know that the issue of suicide was a problem for me. When I was sitting in depression and isolation I would think I wish this would all be over but I never thought I would entertain it. But not demolishing the thought was just as bad. The ropes of death entangled me. The darkness was brought to the light so I could really be free! I am completely free from the root of that demonic force. I am free from depression and suicide.
Why die for my own sake when CHRIST has already done so? Why inflict pain to to end the hurt when CHRIST has already done so? Why create my own escape when CHRIST’s unfailing love has already created my rescue?
The pain can only be released ONE way! Freedom can only come ONE way! And it is not by my death, or yours but HIS! Jesus already died for the sake of my failures so I don’t have to die for my own! THAT is the cure for depression! That is the prevention from suicide!

God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect. He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights. He trains my hands for battle; he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow. You have given me your shield of victory. Your right hand supports me; your help has made me great. You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping. (‭Psalms‬ ‭18‬:‭32-36‬ NLT)

There is no way in hell you can say no one understands. There is no way in hell you can say there is no escape! There is no way in hell you can ignore the remedy for your pain. Christ Jesus! The rescue is Christ Jesus!

Please ask any questions, make any comment, tell your story. This is not for sympathy or attention, but for the deliverance of the people of God who are right under the noses of unfailing love and grace but are lost in darkness. Even email me at saltnsparklemusic@gmail.com for privacy.

2 thoughts on “Why Die?

  1. This has blessed me beyond measure! I appreciate your transparency and honesty. You are not the only one who felt alone. It is a spiritual battle that you must have God to conquer. We truly overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. This will help many Christians receive freedom. We do need to talk about things with people we love and realize God has put people in place to pray and be there for us. No longer should we hide behind a smile but experience our true freedom in Christ!

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